He told me “Emptiness is normal. It means you’re human. It means you’ve done so much or gone through so much that you are depleted. Emptiness can lead you to feel like you’ve lost yourself, when you haven’t. It can lead you to seek for fulfillment in areas you’ll never find it. Emptiness cannot be filled by the validation of what you feel, it has to be filled by me, God.”

And the truth is, no matter what I might perceive everyone else is thinking about my trauma, God cares. He knew this would be my path. He’s never meant to build an “easy” person. He didn’t create me and hope that, for once, he could just take a backseat on this one and devote his time to dealing with the things that are more important to him. I’m not trouble for God. He loves me. Full stop. There is no comparison to how he loves others because it doesn’t matter.

For some reason, I was so concerned about what others would think that I placed God in the background. I was afraid of their judgment when the only judgment that will ever matter is the judgment of God. In seeking validation from others, my desire to know and serve God was misplaced.

As I was sitting in solitude one morning He spoke as clear as day. “I’ve been here this entire time. I’ve never left you.”

Without a doubt, God’s plan is always better. While I’ve tried to figure out every possible scenario, He already knows each best outcome for me. Over time, I’ve learned that God is not in the business of telling you what He’s up to; He simply grants you space to be human while encouraging you to lean into Him more.

I believe in my, “I can,” but God’s telling me to lean on his, “I will.” Without it, my, “can” is nothing but exhaustion. Nothing but the stress and anxiety we love to believe we’re curing with self-care & me-time. Nothing but throwing time and energy at the wall, trying to see what sticks. I am reminded that his will, trumps my, “can,” every time. I can do it, but not without God.

Rest, it is meant to help us. It's a commandment from God that was commanded to help, not hurt us. Rest is a built-in boundary for our souls.

We are human.

We can’t do it all - so boundaries and limits are good.

Through this exercise, my feelings of hurt and helplessness were replaced with strength and confidence in the Lord who sees us, knows us, and remembers us. Nothing but God’s peace could’ve brought me to where I am now, and that was the reward for my forgiveness.

Here’s the problem: if I don’t GIVE vulnerability, I am much less likely to RECEIVE vulnerability. It is so incredibly human to have the desire to know others and BE known.

Being in solitude all this time has been immensely needed to draw nearer to you. There is no greater time than now and for that I am beyond grateful.

Being in solitude all this time has been immensely needed to draw nearer to you. There is no greater time than now and for that I am beyond grateful.

God can handle all of our emotions, when I demanded that He fix my pain, He did just that. Don’t sugar coat your feelings for God.

All emotions are good, as anything God created is good. Our emotions are signals that indicate what is going on in our mind. So what you’re feeling right now actually reflects what you’re believing.

So you’re telling me what has held me back from true emotional healing and a true understanding of God's grace was “THEY”. Scared that “THEY” wanted to fix me. “THEY” would judge me. Who are they??

There have been times in my life, I have withheld that step into connecting through vulnerability, for fear of being hurt. For fear of being rejected or shamed. Sometimes it hasn’t even felt like a conscious decision I have made, but rather, years of not allowing the light into an area, stuffing it down into a “secret hiding place” only to have it exposed some other way, usually through an insecurity revealed or anger unleashed.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe because it hurts so much, but God understands our pain more than we know and he never plans on leaving us in it. But whether or not I get out of it kind of depends on if I choose to take his hand and let him help me up. Even if I’m cursing him as I do. Even if I’m limping moving forward.

That night that I cried out in disgust to God in utter disbelief that I’d been like this my whole life and was unaware of it, He spoke to me and He told me that though I’d been blissfully ignorant of the mess of my heart, He hadn’t been. He’s seen it ALL…in ALL of its mess. And He’s never been disgusted by it. He’s never turned or shied away from my brokenness. He’s been here all along.

I wanted you to read this and think “wow, SHE is great!”, but God’s power can’t be shown if I don’t admit that my gift is nothing without him. I am nothing without him. And I’m realizing this more recently. Continuing to try to put on a face like I have everything under control does nothing for anyone, except stresses me out, and eventually leads to me falling and crumbling.

And yet, our limitations were born out of a partnership with God. He lives in and works through us, but we have to yield to Him by acknowledging our humanity. Paul continually pleaded with God in 2 Corinthians, much like I did in my opening journal entry. He continually asked God to take away his unknown (to us) thorn. But Paul revealed that only through having this weakness was he truly able to rely on God. God’s strength was made perfect because of Paul’s limitations.

What a journey it has been and will continue being. Relationships come and go. Some relationships stay and grow. But what I know now, today, present time is that God dwells in my weakness. Whenever that feeling of loneliness creeps in, that is when the presence of the most holy is the strongest.